I'm sitting here at 2am writing on this damn blog. Most of the world is sleeping at this hour but me, i just can't get there.

Sleep has been something that i just can't seem to master these days. My mind has been on this thinking trip that isn't doing me any good lately. Struggling with the end of my relationship still occupies a great deal of my mind and free time. I knew that this would be extremely hard since this was the one relationship that i put effort into.

I just didn't realize how tremendously painful it would be.

It's been 3 months and i swear sometimes it feels like it just happened an hour ago. The tears are still here and this lump in my throat just won't go away. And i just wish things would go back to the way they used to be. I always heard that with the good came the bad and you are supposed to learn to weather those times too. Communication is the key right? Well in order for that to be true i guess you have to have someone to communicate with. Being honest about the shit that matters is all you can ask and hope for.

I guess not for some.

Sometimes i feel so strong and empowered to just move on. You know the whole f**k ém routine. He didn't deserve me. I deserve better. And all the other "feel good" sayings we think up when a relationship has ended.

And then there are days like today that are long and full of memories, wants and wishes. Knowing what's best for me is nothing too impossible to figure out. I am a smart girl. I think that telling my heart that it can't have what it has known for years is the real problem. And sometimes the mind plays tricks on ya too. I don't know--maybe that's just the fighter in me.

I've never been a quitter. I always just fought for what i wanted especially when i know it's within reach. But this just keeps staying out of my grasp.(clue # everything huh?) Maybe it's that divine intervention sign that we all wish we could receive to help steer us in the right direction. But why am i still going down the other road?

I know relationships hit highs and lows. Nothing is perfect. Not even me. (insert sigh here) But sometimes the mistakes are what make us human right? They remind us that no matter how uppity some of us may act or how low we may fall--we are still imperfect humans.

One of my closests friends quoted me something from the bible. I know i'm probably remembering it wrong but it went something like: Forgive as if it is your 1,000th time. And then forgive again.

Forgiving is such a huge undertaking. Is forgiving a real live option? You can never forget what caused you so much pain. It always stays with you. Waiting. Possibly for the other shoe to drop.


No matter what i do it seems i can't escape the feelings that are controlling my heart. Sometimes i just sit and think about all that we let go of when we broke up and that we really didn't even try to talk about why it went wrong.


And then sometimes i just think that this phenomenal woman called me was too much for him and that my destiny lies elsewhere. Yes i am tooting my own horn b\c i know what i put into a relationship, motherhood, sisterhood and friendships. I give my all b\c if i didn't it wouldn't be worth doing. And i expect the same in return--keeping in mind that we do falter along the way.


I dunno..i just hate the way life throws us curve balls and they just keep curving!!


I know, i know--with time, this too shall pass. what doesn't kill you , will make you stronger. you will love again.

And i believe all that! 100%!


I don't have this whole "men are dogs"mentality. I don't fault the next man for what the ex man did. I'll give him the opportunity to make his own bed and lie in it.


I know wholeheartedly that the next man will see that having me by his side is something he has always been looking for.


And he will move heaven and earth to make sure that i'm always there.


Yes, i'm still tooting my own horn.