Side effects

i'm sick as a dog and felt compelled to drag myself outta bed and actually sit at this computer and do what? Vent? Wallow in self-pity? Scream? I don't know. I think i just felt on the brink of tears and needed to do something besides listen to the sound of my tears.

The dictionary defines broken as having 6 meanings. I thought these best described me at times.
1. bro*ken
damaged or altered by breaking
a. having undergone or been subjected to fracture
b. being irregular, interrupted or full of obstacles
c. violated by transgression
d. made weak or infirm; subdued completely

Sometimes it's hard watching life take shape around me. It doesn't care that today i feel broken. Alone. Odd. Confused. all at the same time. And i don't know if because life keeps moving i'm supposed to take that as a sign that no matter what i'm feeling and going through---i'm still here. Sometimes i feel it's unfair that i can't wallow in self pity for as long as i would like to because i have to be someone's mom or employee. Or someone needs me to put aside my own troubles and be their friend because they are having problems.

Sometimes...no alot of times i just want to be enclosed in these four walls and be no one. Or have someone care for me. Take me by the hand and guide me through this uncertainty that has become my sanctuary all of a sudden. Show me that the sun is only a short few steps away and i can have it if i step out from under this darkness i have found so comforting. that anything easily taken was never mines to have. That fairy tales are not just read or wrote about but actually lived. And that one isn't necessarily the loneliest number. Two can be just as cold.

It's amazing how many masks i found i can wear to keep people at arm's distance. And how faking happiness or okness let's me hold onto despair. Some conversations just aren't worth going over and over when i know i can't even follow my own advice. So faking okness has been my addiction lately. Faking that i'm ok with who i am and where my life is currently sitting. I feel as though if i open up too much about what troubles me i will have cracked and shattered some people's image of what i am supposed to be. But then again i know that being me is about being me and not pleasing them.

I think that's why im here. at the pc. with so many thoughts in my head. because in a sea of many i am invisible. i'm unknown. im able to tell all my secrets, dreams and feelings and for that moment.....i'm ok. truly. b\c i have allowed myself to be real and open and vulnerable without any care about repercussions. because my feelings are my feelings. whether you like it or not.
I told you--you have no idea.....