Too many questions--not enough answers.

How long does it take to get over a relationship? How come you can't move on as quickly as you would like to? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?? Why does it seem like i am the only one who cares(cared) about us breaking up?

I thought we were good together. I thought we would spend our lives together. But now i see i was the only one who thought that way. Sometimes i think i was the only one that was really working on the relationship. So many things in our lives we just do because we have to. But being with him was the one thing that i made a decision about being involved in. And i did work hard to make it what it should be.

I had been doing dumb shit lately just to be in his thoughts. And that really isn't good at all. Because only i want to be a couple. I'm the only one who was still crying about how much i missed us and wanted things back to the way they were. I used to talk to him every night before i went to bed and now i just stare at the phone wishing for it to ring and for it to be him. And of course it doesn't. What a shocker!!

Somedays i wish there was a magic pill i could take and make things not this way.And sometimes i wish i could go back to the day before i met him and skip that regret.

But i don't regret any of it. I can't. That relationship gave me the most unbelievable feeling.

Sometimes i try and make myself believe that he is already dating someone else so that i won't be surprised if i see him out in public with someone.

So that dating will be easier for me. Yeah right!

So that i can start to move on. I need to move on. You think?

But i only start to feel worse because for 6 years he was the only person i was sleeping with, thinking of, wanting to be with. And i feel like he threw it all away for a reason that (of course) doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe he saw a future that i wanted that he can't give me right now. So i guess i'm free to find the right person for me?? What big fun that will be. Playing the dating game all over again. Actually wasting my time with knuckleheads just so i can find the right guy again. Let me see...ummm thank you?? I don't think so.

He said it wasn't my fault. That i was the "perfect girlfriend". But i can't stop thinking that obviously i was lacking something because he was out with someone else. Maybe he is trying to be nice and spare my feelings by putting all the blame on himself. And he doesn't realize that if that is the case he's making me feel like a greater idiot!

I sit back and tell my one friend that i want him to miss me and realize that i am were he needs to be. Where he wants to be. Some say he will. But i say that as time goes on he will only believe that i have "healed sufficiently" and probably have moved on to someone else.

I don't even know how to begin to heal. I think i have been hiding alot of my feelings by simply not talking about them as much. I started to feel like i was burdening everyone because i wanted them to listen to how i was feeling that particular day or moment. I guess that's why i write on my blog because i can say whatever i want, when i want.

I try to not talk to him because everyone says so but i"ll admit it's hard. But god--it seems so easy for him! I mean--what drug is he taking to get through this and can i PUHLEEZ have some??!!

And the really messed up part is that as much as i want to say i hope something bad happens to him--i don't wish that at all. I'd die if something happened to him.

You think he feels the same about me?

Sometimes things get so fucked up and you don't even know what to do to just be normal again.

All i know is that i don't know how to be his friend because i'm still in love with him.